The main thing I have learned from my counselling sessions recently is that I am not really as angry as I thought. Sadness often manifests as anger because that makes it more bearable to live with. It is easier to get out of bed in the morning when you are angry than when you are sad. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism that allows me to keep going. When my heart says “this world is cruel, stay under the duvet”, by brain says “put your war paint on and go to battle”.
I have always felt angry towards my mother for letting my father do what he did to me, and to her her too. But since I broke this down with my counsellor, I’m not so angry. I’m actually sad for her. I don’t forgive her, I don’t want to, and I may never want to. But I do feel a lot more powerful for loosing some of the anger. This doesn’t stop me from getting out of bed in the morning because I am not sad for myself. I got out of that house when I was sixteen. When I did that I was braver than my mother, a woman in her thirties. That makes me proud.
Another thing that I have discussed at counselling is the way I am baffled by the gender split in people who seek talking therapy. There are just as many men needing help as there are women. So why are the dramatic majority of people in therapy through choice female? It disappoints me that men (massively generalising here) seem to see talking about their issues to a professional as a ‘feminine’ thing to do. As I know first hand, going through talking therapy is confronting, tiring, and hard work. It takes balls. Big effing balls! But I can’t recommend it highly enough. Guys, it wouldn’t kill you to try it. You might surprise yourselves!
And finally, I have decided that it is fine to talk about your past/issues with humour. Just so long as it is ‘in addition to’, not instead of being honest. You may have noticed all the silly pictures in my blog. I like them a lot. I might even use funny images in my next book.
Today’s musings were brought to you by Sudofed and red wine – I have the January germs! I’m off to bed with a hot water bottle…